Single mama and Dating coach Brianna of @healedlikekintsugi talks us through her journey of dating while ignoring those all important red flags.
You know when you see a red flag in someone and you ignore it, but you’re not sure why you keep doing that? Here’s the tea on why that’s happening: You don’t trust yourself.
You Don’t Trust Your Own Judgment
And your own ability to put yourself back together if you’re wrong about someone. Whether you’ve been told you’re wrong a bunch of times growing up, whether you’ve been gaslit by a manipulative mofo for 7 years (I am aggressively pointing to myself because I’ve definitely been there), or whether you have a big huge heart and give people the benefit of the doubt waaaaay too often… the underlying issue here is self-trust.
If you’re like me, you want to be able to catch the red flags early and drop someone before they slap you in the heart. I’ve totally been there many, many, times. Since I learned the very hard way, let me tell you something:
Every Single One Of My Exes Showed Red Flags Before We Were Ever In A Relationship.
My first boyfriend out of high school said “you deserve better than me.” Ooh girl that tugged on my heartstrings and I did SO MUCH for him for little in return.
My kids’ dad was next. The first red flag was the way he approached me with a generic copy-paste message that he dropped in a bunch of inboxes on Twitter, and I happened to bite.
My rebound after him had a BUNCH of woman friends, all whom he’d had (and I suspect he was still having) sexual relationships with. He also said he “murdered his inner child” and therefore had no healing work to do.
My most recent ex couldn’t give me a clear answer on whether he liked me or not, and blatantly lied to me about wearing his mask at a party during early COVID, and then came to hang out with me and my kids the next day. There was video evidence of him not wearing a mask, and you know what I did for each of these red flags?
I IGNORED THEM and proceeded to get into a relationship with these men.
It brought me so much heartbreak, emotional damage and self-frustration. It further destroyed my ability to trust myself. I started to blame men, but then I realized I was part of the problem. I allowed these things to happen to me when I could have walked away from the beginning. I was subconsciously choosing heartbreak every single time.
Dating Became Less Stressful
Once I learned to stop ignoring myself, start trusting myself, and stop choosing heartbreak, dating became way less stressful. It was actually kind of funny whenever things didn’t work out. And then eventually I met someone who has no red flags and a bunch of green flags (that’s been a scary ride all on it’s own but that’s a story for another day). By trusting myself, I’ve been able to trust my man as well. AND I know that I’ve got me regardless, because I’m NOT overlooking another damn red flag ever again.
You shouldn’t either. If you find it difficult to not overlook red flags, join Breanna’s monthly membership here. The approach that Breanna takes with her clients consists of a culmination of her education as a licensed professional counselor and her personal experience with single parenting, dating, anxiety, depression, grief, anxious attachment, HSP/empath identity, narcissistic abuse, and betrayal trauma.