Today we're delighted to welcome experts from TalkingParents. TalkingParents is a co-parenting communication platform for separated or divorced parents. The all-in-one service aims to simplify shared parenting by keeping all interactions organized and documented to a court-admissible Record. Features like Secure Messaging, Accountable Calling, Shared Calendar, Accountable Payments, and more, can help ease co-parenting conflict and stress, helping you focus on what matters most: your children.

What is high conflict co-parenting?

High conflict co-parenting usually takes place when two individuals who do not get along must share parenting responsibilities after divorce or separation. Issues often arise between exes who have unresolved conflicts from the relationship or conflicting personality types. Even if you were never in a relationship with your co-parent, high conflict situations can still arise if one or both people are not willing to cooperate with one another in a healthy way. 

Identifying high conflict personality types

Certain personality types or traits can contribute to or exacerbate conflict in co-parenting situations. Understanding these can help you manage interactions with your co-parent more effectively. Some common examples include: 

The controlling personality: This is a co-parent who has a strong need to control situations and may struggle with flexibility. They might insist on having things their way, leading to power struggles and frequent disagreements over decisions related to parenting and custody.

The narcissistic personality: This is a co-parent who has an inflated sense of their own importance and may lack empathy. They might prioritize their own needs and desires over the well-being of their child or the co-parenting arrangement. 

The aggressive personality: This is a co-parent who has a confrontational and combative approach to interactions. They may use aggressive communication styles, such as shouting or harassment, which can escalate conflicts rather than resolve them.

The passive-aggressive personality: Rather than addressing issues directly, this co-parent may use indirect methods to express dissatisfaction or anger. This could include subtle sabotage, procrastination, or giving the silent treatment.

The blaming personality: This is a co-parent who tends to shift responsibility and blame others for problems or conflicts. In a co-parenting context, they may blame the other parent for any issues that arise.

The hyper-emotional personality: Co-parents with this trait may experience and express emotions in an exaggerated manner. Their heightened emotional responses can make it difficult to engage in calm, rational discussions and can contribute to a volatile co-parenting dynamic.

Signs of a high conflict co-parenting situation

It’s critical to understand the signs of a high conflict co-parenting situation so you can work to mitigate the impacts on your children. Some typical indications include:

• Frequent arguments: Regular, intense disagreements over parenting decisions, schedules, or responsibilities. 
• Poor communication: Communication is often hostile, unproductive, or filled with misunderstandings, leading to escalation rather than resolution. 
• Lack of cooperation: Both parents are unwilling or unable to work together, leading to frequent conflicts and inefficiencies in co-parenting.
• Using the kids as messengers: Children are involved in passing messages or relaying information between parents, placing them in a difficult position.
• Consistent blame or criticism: Frequent blaming or criticizing the other parent, which undermines constructive co-parenting and creates a negative atmosphere.
• Disregard for agreements: Regular violation or inconsistent adherence to custody arrangements or other agreements. 
• Emotional manipulation: Use of guilt, threats, or manipulation to control or influence the other parent. 
• Escalation of small issues: Minor disagreements are blown out of proportion, leading to unnecessary conflicts and prolonged disputes.
• Inconsistent parenting approaches: Significant differences in parenting styles or decisions that create confusion and instability for the children.
• Public disputes: Conflicts spill into public settings or involve others, such as friends or family members, further escalating the situation.

How high conflict co-parenting can impact kids

High-conflict co-parenting can significantly impact children by creating a stressful and unstable environment. Constant disputes and hostility between parents can lead to emotional distress, anxiety, and confusion for kids. They may feel caught in the middle, pressured to take sides, or worry about their parents’ well-being. 

Ongoing tension between co-parents can also affect kids' self-esteem, behavior, and academic performance. Inconsistency in parenting styles and discipline can undermine their sense of stability and security as well. Overall, the negative emotional and psychological effects of high-conflict co-parenting can hinder a child’s development and welfare.

3 ways a co-parenting app can help

There is no one-size-fits-all approach to co-parenting with a high conflict ex or individual, however, we do have some strategies proven to help. Using the following techniques in conjunction with a co-parenting app can help you manage a high conflict co-parenting situation more effectively.

1. Boundary-setting

Setting boundaries is crucial to minimizing issues with a high conflict co-parent. Some healthy boundaries you might consider include sticking to business in the co-parenting relationship, not engaging in conversations or behaviors that could drag the kids into conflict, always adhering to the parenting schedule or agreement, and more. 

A co-parenting app like TalkingParents can help you set boundaries by providing a structured platform for communication and scheduling, ensuring that all interactions are documented and managed. Our service allows you to set clear, agreed-upon rules for communication and responsibilities, reducing misunderstandings and room for disagreements. 

2. Accountability

It can be very difficult to hold a high conflict co-parent accountable for their behaviors. This is why even once you set boundaries within your co-parenting dynamic, it’s important to utilize methods of interaction that will keep both individuals on track. 

TalkingParents helps with accountability in high conflict co-parenting situations by keeping every message, call, payment, calendar, etc., documented and timestamped. This creates a detailed and transparent Unalterable Record of all interactions, so there’s no back-and-forth about who said what, when. These Records are also admissible in court, so should you end up in a custody-related dispute, this documentation can promote accountability in a legal setting as well. 

3. Self-regulation

High conflict personality types may try to push co-parenting boundaries by attempting to trigger you or get under your skin. Your reactions to these attempts may either help or hurt the situation, which can also impact how the high conflict parent ultimately influences you and your child’s mental well-being. 

Many TalkingParents users say the app helps with self-regulation by encouraging them to pause, think, and respond instead of react. For example, if your co-parent sends a triggering message, you can use the Personal Journal feature as an outlet to write down your thoughts before compiling your response in a clear, concise, and less emotional manner. The Journal can also help you organize and reflect on your feelings in a healthy way, allowing you to refresh your attitude and improve your mindset.

Manage high conflict co-parenting with TalkingParents

Countless co-parents rely on our application to reduce conflict while making interactions easier and more efficient. No matter your situation, we know shared parenting isn’t easy, which is why we created an all-in-one communication service that helps you focus on what matters most: your children. Get started today. 

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