When you’re co-parenting after a separation, there are plenty of situations nobody quite prepares you for. One of the hardest can be hearing your child say: “I don’t want to go.”

Perhaps it happens on a Sunday afternoon as you’re packing their overnight bag. Perhaps it starts with a tummy ache the night before, or tears in the car, or increasingly elaborate reasons why this weekend really isn’t convenient. Sometimes it comes completely out of the blue. Other times, you’ve had a sense for weeks that something isn’t quite right.

Whatever the circumstances, it can leave you in an incredibly difficult position. Do you insist that they go? Are you supposed to respect their wishes? What if their other parent thinks you’re encouraging them not to visit? And how do you work out the difference between a child who simply doesn’t fancy leaving home and one who is genuinely distressed about spending time with their other parent?

There isn’t a single answer that works for every family, but there are ways to approach the situation that can help you understand what your child is really telling you.

First, try to find out what “I don’t want to go” actually means

It’s tempting to hear those words and immediately start looking for a solution, but first it helps to understand the problem. Children can be reluctant to see their other parent for all sorts of reasons, and not all of them are necessarily about the parent themselves. A younger child might struggle with transitions or sleeping somewhere different. An older child might resent missing a party, football match or precious weekend with friends. There may be different rules, routines or expectations in each home, or a new partner or step-siblings they’re still adjusting to.

Sometimes children simply don’t want to stop doing whatever they’re doing right now. Any parent who has attempted to get a child to leave a soft-play centre knows that reluctance to go somewhere else doesn’t necessarily constitute a considered judgement on the destination.

Try asking open questions rather than jumping straight to “Why don’t you want to see Mum/Dad?” You might ask what they’re worried about, what they wish was different about visits or what would make going feel easier. The aim isn’t to interrogate them or build a case against the other parent, but to give them room to explain.

Listen without making them responsible for the decision

This is where things can get particularly tricky. We want children to know that their feelings matter. At the same time, asking a child to decide whether or not they see a parent can place a huge emotional burden on them. They may worry about upsetting one parent, betraying the other, or being responsible for an argument between the two.

There’s an important difference between listening to what your child wants and making your child responsible for what happens next.

You can acknowledge that they’re unhappy without immediately promising that they don’t have to go. Something as simple as “I can see you really don’t want to go today, and I want to understand what’s making you feel like that” lets them know you’re taking them seriously without putting the whole decision in their hands.

For older children and teenagers, of course, things may be different. As children become more independent, rigid arrangements can become harder to maintain and their views naturally carry increasing weight. A teenager with their own friendships, activities and opinions is unlikely to respond well to being treated like a parcel moving between two addresses.

Look for patterns rather than individual bad days

One difficult handover doesn’t necessarily mean there’s a fundamental problem. Children have bad days. They get tired, grumpy and anxious. They can adore a parent and still not want to leave the house in the rain on a Friday night. Patterns, however, are worth paying attention to.

Is your child reluctant every time they’re due to visit? Has their behaviour changed recently? Do they become anxious in the run-up to contact or noticeably different afterwards? Are there particular parts of the arrangement they struggle with – overnight stays, a certain day of the week, being around a new partner or having to travel?

Keeping a simple record for yourself can help you see what is actually happening rather than relying on your memory of emotionally charged handovers. It can also help you separate an occasional wobble from something that may need a more significant change.

Try not to take it personally – whichever parent you are

Children moving between two homes can produce some surprisingly complicated emotions for everyone involved. If your child doesn’t want to go to their other parent, you might privately feel vindicated, particularly if the separation has been difficult. Equally, if you’re the parent they suddenly don’t want to see, it can feel like a devastating rejection. Neither reaction makes you a terrible parent. They make you human. The important thing is what you do with those feelings.

Try not to make your child responsible for reassuring you, and avoid turning their reluctance into evidence about which parent they love more. Children should be able to say, “I miss Mum when I’m here,” or “I wish I could stay with Dad tonight,” without feeling that they’ve wounded the person standing in front of them. Where possible, save the adult feelings for other adults.

Talk to your co-parent if you can

If communication between you is reasonably good, approaching the issue as a shared problem can make an enormous difference. Instead of “They don’t want to come to your house”, try to be specific about what your child has actually said or what you’ve noticed. Perhaps they’re finding the Friday-night transition difficult, or they feel left out when older step-siblings are around, or they’re frustrated at missing weekend activities.

There may be a surprisingly simple adjustment you can make together. Perhaps handovers could happen after football rather than before it. Maybe an overnight stay could temporarily become a day visit. An older child might appreciate more flexibility around social plans. A younger child might benefit from taking familiar things between homes or having more predictable routines.

Not every co-parenting relationship allows for calm conversations and easy compromises, of course. If communication tends to become heated, keeping things brief, factual and child-focused can help.

What if you think there is a more serious reason?

There’s a big difference between a child who would rather stay home because their best friend is coming over and a child who appears frightened of seeing their other parent. If your child tells you something that makes you concerned about their safety or wellbeing, take it seriously. Listen carefully, avoid asking leading questions and make a note of what they have told you in their own words.

You don’t have to investigate the situation yourself, and it’s important not to push a child repeatedly for details. Depending on what they disclose and how immediate the concern is, you may need professional advice from an appropriate safeguarding service, your GP, school or a family-law professional.

Where there are court orders or formal child-arrangement agreements in place, it’s particularly important to get proper advice rather than relying on general information online. The right response will depend on the individual circumstances.

Could the arrangement itself need to change?

Sometimes a child saying “I don’t want to go” isn’t about rejecting their other parent at all. It’s feedback on an arrangement that no longer fits. What worked perfectly for a five-year-old may feel completely different at 12. Children develop friendships, hobbies, homework, jobs and lives of their own. Spending alternate weekends somewhere else can become more complicated as they get older.

That doesn’t mean the relationship with their other parent becomes less important. It may simply need to evolve. A successful co-parenting arrangement isn’t necessarily one that stays exactly the same for 15 years. It’s one that can adapt as the child and family change.

Remember that your child can have complicated feelings

Perhaps the most useful thing to remember is that children don’t always feel one neat emotion at a time.

Your child can love their other parent and not want to go to their house this weekend. They can have fun once they’re there and still find handovers upsetting. They can miss you while they’re away without being unhappy. They can be angry with a parent without wanting to lose their relationship with them.

Adults find separation complicated enough; children are trying to make sense of it while also growing up. The goal isn’t necessarily to make every handover cheerful or to eliminate every complaint. It’s to create enough space for your child to tell you how they feel, without making them feel responsible for managing the adults around them.

If you’re struggling with this, you won’t be the only single parent wondering whether you’re handling it correctly. Talking to other people who understand the reality of separated parenting can help you get perspective, share practical ideas and, sometimes, simply hear the reassuring words: “Yes, we’ve been through this too.”

The Frolo community is a place to connect with other single parents who understand the complexities of co-parenting, contact arrangements and everything else that comes with raising children after separation.

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